Prime directive – turning 43

For me, the change to the new year as noted by the Gregorian calendar is a time when I start to contemplate the year ahead. But I usually don’t get around to more fully analyzing the past year and consider the upcoming year until later in the month,on my birthday.

This year, my forty-third birthday, my day was full and I felt a little bit behind on all of the things I had scheduled and wanted to do.

Anatomy of Birthday

• 6:00 am – woken by cats, got up, fed them began morning routine
• 6:15 am – did a birthday spread tarot reading*
• 7:20 am – started to fiddle with finishing touches on presentation
• 7:47 am – noted time, panicked; 8 am psychiatry appointment, ran out of the house, utilized valet parking, when getting blood pressure taken, realized I’d only gotten half dressed (still wearing my sleep shirt)
• 8:00 am – appointment with psychiatrist, relatively good meeting
• 8:50 am – home, fiddle with presentation
• ~9:55 am – noticed time, 10 minutes later than I wanted to leave for the next appointment. Rushed to get cat food and get to Cloud 9 spa
• 10:30 am – Spa day, massage and petite facial – it was their 20th anniversary celebration, and I got 2 scratch-off tickets, one for having services that day, and one for the cat food I contributed to the community drive – got a gift bag and 25% off one service; I had 15% off a service because it was my birthday. Woot!
• 1:35 pm – home, ordered food for lunch because I couldn’t make up my mind on where to stop on the drive home. Wrapped up presentation.
• 2:58 pm – left, again later than I’d planned, went downtown for interview
• 3:35 pm – interviewed for position, gave the presentation
• 4:25 or 4:35 pm – (I can never remember which) – turned another year older
• 4:45 pm – drove across town to mall for eye exam – got there early, got Starbucks hot chocolate
• 5:30 pm – appointment time for eye exam, in waiting area, paperwork completed. Finally called back at 5:50 pm
• 6:40 pm – finally home, ate 2nd half of lunch for dinner, chilled in my office with my cat, and fiddled around on my computer
• 9:00 pm – got ready for bed another year older, another year wiser (?)

I did not really have the combination of time and brain power to do my usual journaling,  my contemplation of the past and upcoming year.

*Basic notes, still want to analyze the meanings of the cards

Expectations

I know that there is not a single day in any given year, be it the 1st of January or the 29th (my birthday) in which clarity and insight settle down upon me like a finely crafted silk cloak draped over my shoulders by the universe.

And yet…

I feel slightly disappointed when I don’t have ground breaking insights into my own soul, when the ‘right’ path doesn’t suddenly become clear. That feeling, that disappointment, is one constant, through each new revolution of this mortal coil around our sun.

I know that change, that refocusing, takes time and effort, yet am constantly disappointed when the universe doesn’t hand it to me, neatly wrapped and with a humorous but endearing birthday card.

It’s a weird thing, hoping – expecting, really – that something you know is not how things work, knowing a better course of action towards getting what you want, but waiting to put in the effort until after some arbitrary ‘special date’ in case, maybe, just maybe, this year the universe delivers.